Expectations & Short Comings

Puerto Vallarta, Mexico (2019)

Growing up I always had a very short attention span when it came to learning things, the minute I understood the gist of it, it lost all the magic I saw in it. So you can see how this would become a problem as an adult. Early in my teen years I wanted to be the next Alexander Wang. I was obsessed with learning all I could about all the Great designers I read about them and watched documentaries, I taught myself how to sew clothes and I don’t mean your regular old patch work I mean making my very own PJ set and tops, but once I learned I realized I wasn’t entirely sure if that’s really what I wanted to do. I moved onto the hopes of becoming a talk show host that was and has always stayed in the back of my head I wanted to be the Latina version of Oprah. I went away for college and being out there also had me worried about my end game, everyone already new what they wanted to do with their lives and there I was living life one day at a time. So here we are a couple years later while having a complete mental breakdown that truly made me cry like a baby & had me crawl up into the arms of my mother and sob until I had no more tears, all the while she was asking ” what do you want?” “what can I do to help?” “talk to me”. You see in that very moment I TRULY didn’t know what I needed it was like all the tears I had held in for years decided to open the flood gates and make their way out. When I was done and sniffling like a child I felt like those questions she asked me were playing over & over in my head. It took me FOUR days and ALOT of mulling over in my mind to come to the answers. So on the fifth day I walked over to her & with no warning I just answered the questions she had asked me I said “I’m sorry if it disappointing but I thought it over & I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t know what I want and at this very moment you have no clue how that brings ease to my mind because I’ve been breaking my head over this same question for years” 2. “You can help by giving me the space to figure myself out.” 3.” sometimes I feel like I don’t even know what is going on in my own head so even when it looks like I have so much to say I just can’t even find the right words to put everything I feel or think into sentences that you could understand”. Because for YEARS & YEARS people would always tell me what they thought I should do or what they thought I would be good at so after being told all these things I felt like I would never make people proud of me. After months of Therapy I came to realize that I needed to chill and not worry about other people. I ultimately need to look inward and decide what is right for me, I know this answer my not have been groundbreaking but to me it was. For the very first time I felt like I was no longer in the pursuit of everyone else’s approval but I was finally on the search for my own. I had gotten so lost and things seemed so foggy that when I finally got it was like a light had turned on. So here I am trying to share this because I felt so disappointed and lost that I started to feel crazy thinking that I couldn’t possibly be the only person that feels this way. So this is to everyone who feels like they need to get it all together NOW. It will come, your time will come, you WILL approach the day in which it all just clicks. I’m not saying crawl into a dark hole and wait for the epiphany I’m saying ask yourself the tough questions. Go out apply for a job that your nervous about, ask that person on a date, eat something out of your norm. Get out of your comfort zone. Breathe new air, go somewhere on your own. Just don’t be afraid to NOT KNOW because so many people DONT know they just admit it but I promise you once you admit it to yourself it is such a freeing moment. It’s given me hope that things can only go up from here.

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