Finding beauty in the face of fear

After being cooped up in the house for so many months during lock down I felt as though instead of going out, I started looking inward. I looked up books because I wasn’t entirely sure what it was, I was going through, I’ve always been quite open with my thoughts, but my feelings were a bit different. I saw my feelings as something personal, something that not everyone should be able to have access too and that seemed to always be okay with me or so I thought it was. Then what I thought to be “impossible” happened, I thought we had done everything right. We (as in my family and I) had been cautious about being clean and sanitized, keeping our distance and staying safe but inevitably things that are meant to happen, happen. A fever was the first thing that hit me, it was intense and quite exaggerated if you ask me. Yes I’ve experienced a fever before but this one came in stages I had been fine I started to feel little headache so I had decided to get to bed but once I was changing it was as though I had lost control of my motor skills due to the wildly violent shaking my body was going through I felt cold a cold that I have physically never been through, finally I laid in bed and convinced myself that if I tried to meditate or pray it would help and Cross my heart it did. I fell asleep and that was that. Waking up the next morning was quite the episode my body felt exhausted, my joints felt rusty my head was pounding and yet for a minute I thought I had taken a shower and it looked like I had taken one. I was soaked. My pillow showed the outline of where my head laid. I’m not going to lie, that scared me. I tried so hard to not go “there” you know? I tried to think positive I wanted it to be something small, maybe I had eaten something that gave me food poisoning. Well that was not the case. I went to the doctor and got home, I called my mom (like we all do when we’re scared) I tried to keep it casual and I had done so well until it was time to hang up, she said “I love you Baby” and I tried to say it back but I felt the knot in my throat hold back my words and she asked me if everything was okay I said “yeah I just feel… lonely” which I did. Especially after venting to my brother about how I was feeling and hearing him tell me to get away from him and that he didn’t want to get sick, I felt completely alone. I know he probably did not mean it in a malicious was, but I was scared and that just made it worse. My mom continued to tell me that I wasn’t alone and that she couldn’t wait to see me, I agreed with her and said bye. I sat there on the bed and started to cry. I already knew. I knew I had it, I got the virus. What I didn’t know was that my mom had started to feel some symptoms as well and as a surprise to me and him my brother got a fever literally the next night. My dad had the most minor symptoms which came in so handy, he was amazing. Not only did he cook for us, give us vitamins, and prepare our showers but he was doing all of this while feeling sick as well. I think back to those 16 days and they are an absolute blur! It was like time did not exist, days turned to nights so quickly and I felt like I was losing my mind. I could hear my brother struggling to breathe and my mom sounding as though she was going to cough up a lung. My legs would turn into Jell-O and I would literally hold onto anything I could because if not I would drop. It was a scary time for me and I knew I couldn’t let my mind wonder so I began to meditate a lot (something I’d always felt comfortable doing in the past) but there was something so different about it. I’m someone who has always seen my body and thought it could be much better, I would in a way compare and put myself down. When I was sick, I literally had no energy to put on actual clothes, so I walked around in my underwear and big shirt. Toward the end of my sickness I would stare at myself in the mirror and just look at myself and I mean REALLY LOOK. It was weird, I felt different yes, I looked a bit different I had lost a couple pounds through due to the virus but beyond that I felt grateful. I had never deeply appreciated my body for everything that it could do daily without even having to question if I could or couldn’t do it. I was proud of everything it did for me. I felt like I was looking at it in a perspective of its own entity. I my mind was a part of a whole and the whole was two parts: Mind and Body. I felt like new. There was something that came of this that made me see myself as beautiful and I don’t mean in a shallow way, it was a deep understand and appreciation for everything that it had gone through (body). I started shopping for self help books, you know the section in Barnes & noble that you see middle aged people spend time at comparing which book would suit them best? Well yeah there. I had stared reading some of C.G Jung before I got sick but after everything, my thirst for discovering more of myself became intense so I started slow and was open to different theology, ideas and practices. I’ve read quite a few books that have helped my see things through a different perspective. Ultimately what I am trying to say is push yourself to know yourself better don’t shy from the hard-emotional stuff because that is what keeps us from being our truly evolved selves. I’ve started to love the little things about myself and it honestly makes a difference, I’m not going to say I’ve become this all knowing person because truth is I haven’t but I can say is I’m TRYING and that’s good enough for me. Overall I’m just so grateful to just be here.

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